Sometimes you really love someone and you think, “I’ll probably look back at this feeling after this relationship is over and laugh”. And sometimes, long after it is over, you realize you feel the same way in your heart as you did in the time of that relationship.

I’m not in the same generation as most of the tumblr community…and it’s really saddening to see all of these YOUNG people hating themselves. I feel as though I’m the ONLY one here who really loves myself…maybe it is the age difference that makes it so…I’m not sure.

So guys, I want you to find at least one thing about yourselves that you like. It can be on the inside or the outside. Just put your focus on that for a week and add something the next week. So for example, this week I will say to myself, “I always take the time to make sure people are okay, even if they are strangers.”

Then next week it will be, “I love my cheekbones.” 

It’s a good exercise. It can be something as simple as saying, “I have excellent grammar skills”.

Do it for yourselves, guys!

I think of all of you, you know.

When you wake up and you’re disappointed you’re still alive,

When you pick up that razor blade with your shaking hand,

When you look in the mirror and hate what you see, I’m thinking of you.

When your parents neglect your feelings,

When your inbox is full of anonymous people telling you how fat and ugly they THINK you are,

When you feel you have no one, not one single person in this world, I’m thinking of you.

In your darkest hour, I’m thinking of you.

When you say to yourself, “This is it, I am going to end my life”, I am thinking of you.

When you want to crawl out of your skin because of what others have done to you, I’m thinking of you.

I may not know all of you personally. However, I see a lot of self-hate/harm here. I am always thinking of all of you, hoping you will realize you are and will always be a little gem in this world. 

Tonight I was walking toward the entrance of the supermarket…

 

There was a man coughing very badly sitting down outside of the store. He asked if I could help a veteran out. I told him all I had was a card but asked if I could get him water and asked if he was hungry. He said all he needed were some cough drops. I went inside, bought him cough drops, medicine and water. When I came out I gave him everything and he told me how he became homeless.

He was just in Iraq on active duty. His area was attacked and there were civilians present. He fired and accidentally shot and killed a civilian, and was discharged. Now he is homeless and they are trying to revoke his veteran benefits. He started crying while telling me about the man he killed, and about how he had killed so many in war. It was terrible. I started crying too. I have never met anyone like him. David is his name. He told me his daughter is in Iraq too. She’s my age. He is too embarrassed to tell her what he did, and what has become of him. I hugged him because he was crying so hard. I felt so badly for him. He served in the military for 21 years. Now he sleeps in the bushes. The entire situation is horrible…the war, the man killed, and David, who was defending himself and his friends (who were also killed in the same attack) who misfired. Terrible. I’m glad I stopped to talk to him. Tomorrow is his Birthday too. He needed a friend. I think I will make him dinner and take it to him tomorrow night for his Birthday.

You have more baggage than the JFK airport

When I told you I wouldn’t follow

When I told you I was a leader,

You melted into my arms and trusted me to lead you to greatness.

I never promised you anything.

Instead you follow, follow, follow and crash upon my head at the bottom of this well I call a life and look to me for answers.

The truth is, the answer is, this is where I go at night,

This is where I run and hide.

I never promised you anything.

You melt into my arms and I push you down.

I never promised you anything.

I leave you now at the bottom of this well.

I never promised you anything.

You’ve followed far too long, far too far down.

I stand above you, where I belong.

This is what you get.

I never promised you anything.

I pour the water down on you

You look to me for answers.

The truth is, the answer is,

The end has come, there is nowhere else to follow to.

As I look into your pleading eyes, as I watch you drown,

Just remember,

I never promised you anything.

I posted a while ago about starting a blog with writings and things so here it is, and here is my first entry. Some of the things will be similar to song lyrics and could very well be used as them, some other things will just be thoughts that form without any sort of artistic rationalization. If you’re following, you’re in for a lot of words one way or another. I actually do not care if no one follows. I’m just logging these things.

Today was what I needed. Apart from being sick actually. I have made this huge transition in my life of weeding people out of it who are in my life who take and give nothing. Today I realized who another one of those people is and was glad to know. I am always glad to know.

People come and go and that’s that. No one really means all that much to me compared to how I feel about Victoria. I created her, therefor I care for her the most. So it’s really quite trivial, these worldly encounters I have with other human beings who think I hang on their every word or action, these people who think losing them is the worst possible thing to ever happen to me. I don’t fucking think so. It doesn’t make me mad, either, I’m kind of numb about it all at this point.

I’m 27, I’ve got a lot of heartache and just downright horrible torment behind me and now I just don’t care. If I were to actually feel something for someone I would make sure they fucking deserved it. I feel more and more like no one can hold up to my impossible standards anymore though.

Aesthetically what pleases me never embodies what I need from that person internally. So there’s problem number one. Alone forever.

Everyone is so fake and into game playing. And why? What does it all mean? Is everyone’s life so much of a joke that they make a mockery of it while including others? Not mine.

I value my existence thank you very fucking much.

I think the problem with so many people is they are always so quick to work on the outer appearance…i.e. working out or not eating fattening foods/wearing nice makeup etc, but they exhaust all energies on the exterior while the interior rots.

Sure, I mean I keep my appearance as nice looking as I can, I do my hair and makeup nicely every day and dress the way I think looks good but the difference is I LOVE myself. On the inside. I love me, I take very good care of myself, I do not drink to the point to where I will be hungover, I don’t do drugs, I make sure I am fed and get enough sleep and when I am sick I baby myself like a good mate would. I take care of me because I love me.

I am pretty much my own girlfriend! I spent a lot of time working on my insides. Now I am very pleased. I try to do nice things for people also of course, I try to show appreciation for things others do for me. I know I am a good person and I work hard and I’m responsible.

Honestly if someone is going to think they can come along and shit on that? They can take a fucking hike.

-H